Friday, November 25, 2011


So, Thanksgiving was yesterday.  I have a lot to be thankful for this year.  I am thankful to have a wonderful husband, who sticks by my side even when I am going baby crazy and plotting to steal a baby. (lol, this kinda happened) I am also thankful for the dear friends that I have gotten much closer to this year.  They have really helped me understand and appreciate the hardships that I went through.  I also am thankful for those hardships, since I wouldn't be at this stage of my life right now if I didn't have them.

A lot has been going on at my house, so to sum things up.  Tomorrow I officially start at the new store in the area, maintaining my position as a barista.  I found a new way to keep my stress levels down, I am now a knitting queen.  And most important, my hubby and I have finally gotten back to making time for us.  It is really nice to be able to go on little dates like we used to!

Now, the funny story of the week.  My older sister, a few months ago, told me in a very unrespectful way that she was expecting baby number 4.  So, after that I threw a slight temper tantrum and all that jazz (I may have told her she f**king sucked).  Well, we apologized and everything and are talking again.  So, I told her that no matter what she thought, her 4th child was going to be a girl, just like the other 3.  This was my way of telling her that karma was going to get her after how she told me.  Sure enough, my sister found out this week that she is once again having a girl. hahaha.  Karma is great!

As for me, I am done with the birth control pills and am only temping right now.  Hopefully, this is enough for me, since I don't have a fixed schedule at work and have a hard enough time trying to take my temp at around the same time everyday.  I don't think peeing on an OPK would be feasible at work. lol.  So, now I just need to stay relaxed and positive about the fact that my luck has started to change and that I will be blessed with a beautiful child sometime soon.

Last thing, my Christmas tree is up, decorations are all around the house, and I am relaxed and excited to spend the holidays with family!

Friday, November 18, 2011


So, the three month hiatus has now been over for just about a week now.  Feeling pretty good about these next few months, however now I am stressed about stupid work issues.  Ugggh, never ends!  Everytime I plan something, one of our managers fucks up our plans.  We were supposed to go see family for thanksgiving weekend, but that had to be cancelled since my new store opens the monday after thanksgiving.  Fine, we dealt with that.  Now, find out that my husband has to close on both thanksgiving and black friday, which takes away the plan to have a nice thanksgiving dinner alone for once and cancels the plans we had to do a little shopping on friday.  Now, my husband's manager wants to switch shifts with my husband on sunday, meaning we would barely have time to go grocery shopping, which we really need to do.  Uggggh. I freaking hate work right now.  Oh well, I have a new craft to try to keep my stress under control.  I have thrown all my frustrations, stresses, and free time into knitting christmas presents and even a few baby gifts (there are a few people who are worthy enough to get baby gifts from me because they have nothing but respect for others. Right now my sister is still not one of those lucky people)  Plus, we are soon becoming the parents of another beautiful orange kitty named Sonny.  Right now, all I can do is love my kitties and husband and pray that things work out for us.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

looking back at the old me......

As I sit here looking back at the past 8 years, I notice how different I am now than back then.  Sure I am still goofy, talkative, and caring but I have become more sensitive, less outgoing, and more cautious.  Most of the changes have been for good.  I don't go partying, I take better care of myself and I think of others more than myself.  However, some changes aren't as good.  I am more likely to get pissed off when babies or pregnancies are announced, I have a hard time being happy for others while trying to hide my disappointment in myself, and I don't like opening myself up to others because I always get hurt.
I have become a much better person overall, yet those small changes are always weighing on my mind.  I don't like being a mean person.  It's just not who I am.  Yet, I cannot shake those feelings when put in those situations.  I really am working hard to get rid of these feelings, but they just keep coming back when yet another person talks about certain things.  Ugggh!
Now, in these past 8 years I have had quite a few life changing events. First date with my hubby on 10-17-03, got engaged a year later, moved 200 miles away in Feb 2007, got married May 2008, started trying for family in Jan 09, 3 miscarriages in 2010, issues that are finally resolved as of august, and then the 3 month hiatus from trying for family due to PCOS (stupid ovaries suck!).  All these things add up and change a person's way of thinking.  I would love to say that I wouldn't change anything, however I would like to change the whole part where I wasted 2 years trying for something when my body was actually purposely preventing it and I didnt know.  grrrrrrrr.
Now, I am 29 days away from getting back on the bandwagon of trying again.  So what has changed in the past 57 days?  I am eating much healthier, I am not dependent upon sugar anymore (I actually can't even eat a  normal sized candy bar anymore), I am more active, I am in better control of my life, I take my vitamins and I hardly ever go have a drink anymore and when I do it is literally one and I am done.  Now, that being said, I know that there are those who don't take care of themselves, party all the time, yet end up getting what I truly desire without having any issues.  I want to bitch slap those people.  I can't understand how people go through life without one ounce of care about anything and get everything that I desire.  Hmmm, must be nice to not have to work for everything you want.
I just know that when my day comes, I will be the better person.  I will be more appreciative of my children than most others because I will have worked damn hard to get them.  Yes, they may be spoiled but it again is going to be well deserved.  I will not let others break my spirit anymore.  I will be the bigger person.  I will hold my head high and let things just roll off my shoulders.  I shouldn't lose sleep worrying about the situations of others.  They only have theirselves to blame, and they will have to learn from their exeperiences just like I have.


For those in my situation, I will pass on a special prayer that was given to me.  This is the novena prayer to Saint Philomena:

We beseech Thee, O Lord, to grant us the pardon of our sins by the intercession of Saint , virgin and martyr, who was always pleasing in Thy sight by her eminent chastity and by the profession of every virtue. Amen.

Illustrious virgin and martyr, Saint Philomena, behold me prostrate before the throne whereupon it has pleased the Most Holy Trinity to place thee. Full of confidence in thy protection, I entreat thee to intercede for me with God, from the heights of Heaven deign to cast a glance upon thy humble client! Spouse of Christ, sustain me in suffering, fortify me in temptation, protect me in the dangers surrounding me, obtain for me the graces necessary to me, and in particular (Here specify your petition).
Above all, assist me at the hour of my death. Saint Philomena, powerful with God, pray for us. Amen.

O God, Most Holy Trinity, we thank Thee for the graces Thou didst bestow upon the Blessed Virgin Mary, and upon Thy handmaid Philomena, through whose intercession we implore Thy Mercy. Amen.

Monday, September 26, 2011


Ugggh, I am soooooooooooooooo sick of family drama right now.  I am apparently the bad guy because I was honest with a family member and now people are mad at me.  blah.  I just don't really care anymore.  It doesn't matter to me if they stay mad at me or not.  I have enough stress to deal with over here and dont need their stupidity adding to that stress. Blah.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

fun and fancy free!

These past few days I have finally fully come to terms with this three month hiatus. It is a time for me to get healthy, which I have been very good with eating right I just need to work on the exercise part.  I am making a pact with myself that if I work out 30 minutes a day, 5 days a week, at the end of that week I will reward myself with a new book, new hair thing, or new nail polish.  This pact is starting tomorrow, which happens to also be day one of my second month of birth control pills.  Hopefully this pact will keep me motivated to get up and moving!
My little sister and I had a great heart to heart today before she left to go back home.  Her and my mom are concerned that I may have adverse side effects to the drugs that my doctor keeps giving me (fertility drugs and birth control).  Basically, they are concerned for my health because of tales of life-threatening issues.  I know that my doctor is very adamant on making sure that what I am taking is the right dosage and is not being taken for longer than I need to take them.  My mom, who just got back from a two week road trip to Reno, New Mexico, and Colorado, wanted to show that even though she doesn't approve of the use of drugs to help with reproducing, she still cares about me.  She got me a magnet of this little hunched back guy who is playing a flute.  It is actually Kokopelli, a southwestern native american fertility god.  Her way of showing she cares.  It works!

Monday, September 12, 2011

Happier post, kinda.....

I figure I should update my blog since I have nothing better to do until this stupid headache goes away.

Today, while chit-chatting with a lovely regular customer named Shana, I found out that her doctor diagnosed her with PCOS after they tried for 1.5 years for their daughter.  Even more encouraging about this is that her doctor put her on birth control pills for 3 months (just like mine did for me).  Most encouraging of all is that she got pregnant the first month after stopping said birth control pills.  That just made me feel much better about this three months of birth control.  THe things you learn from people while you wait for their coffee to be made at Starbucks! lol!

Another fun thing going on right now is that tomorrow I have a job interview.  It is for a position at a new Starbucks opening up closer to my home and to school (which will be really helpful next semester when I am back in class).  Its just a transfer but it is a well needed change.  I have been at my current store for 4 years, which is a long time.  I love my manager and my coworkers (most of them at least) but I just need a change. Did I mention that this location is opening up in an office building attached to the new Children's Hospital here in Grand Rapids?  Hmm, if I get this transfer I will be in that hospital volunteering as much as possible!

Friday is also when my younger sister (I can't really get away with calling her my little sister since she is about 4 inches taller than me!) comes into town! Yay! Can't wait!

Oh, and today is the first day of 7 inactive pills for my birth control pills, so only 62 more days! yay!

Friday, September 2, 2011


Okay, I am much better today than I was yesterday.  Definitely had a bad day yesterday.  Today is so much better.  Went shopping for fabulous farm fresh veggies and fruits, got sunday's dinner out of the freezer and into a pan to marinate, and now getting some last minute stuff done before picking up the husband.  I think being able to talk to people (my coworker this morning and my best friend this afternoon) really helped my frustration.  As much as I like to vent around the hubby, sometimes he just doesn't understand a women's perspective and just thinks I am overreacting.  Luckily, I do have a few people to talk to about this. I wish I could just fast foward to two weeks from now, when my sister is in town.  Then fast forward another two weeks, when my childhood friend is in town.  Then just fast foward all the way to the middle of november.  I don't care if I fast forward past my birthday, nothing I want ever happens that day anyways.  All I want is to have a spa day (manis, pedis and maybe facials or massage) and then a great dinner with friends.  However, last year that turned into a horrible party where my best friend was told she shouldn't be hanging out with me so much.  Hhhhrumph.  Hopefully, the hubby catches all the hints I keep dropping, he only has 58 days to plan something.  On that note, only 72 more bc pills left. blah!

Monday, August 22, 2011

Yuck! 1 down, 83 to go.

So, only took the first pack of birth control for two weeks.  Uggh.  I can't understand why the pill with the lowest amount of drugs was causing me such problems!  Luckily, a newer, lower hormone drug is now on the market and was prescribed to me today by a doctor filling in for my vacationing doctor.  Yay! Hopefully now I won't get horrible headaches or spotting anymore!  Tonight will be the day one (again) for me.  Downside is that now my ability to start trying for kids is postponed for two more weeks.  So now we will have the count at 1 down, 83 to go.  Blah!

Sunday, August 14, 2011

I hate this,,,,,

So I really hate being on birth control.  I hate how I feel when on it.  It gives me a headache, makes me sleepy all the time, and it makes me moody. grrrrrrr.  9 days down, only 75 more days to go.  Blah! One the other hand, I am still doing well on the diet.  Haven't stepped on a scale again, but know that I have lost a few more pounds cause my pants are getting to be too big.  hehe.  Hopefully this week i can finally start going for bike rides (as long as the weather cooperates).

Friday, August 5, 2011

Blah.... Crap....... Uggggh.....

So my ovaries are out of commission for at least the next 3 months. Ugggh!  I guess it just wasn't meant to be yet.  Hopefully these next three months will fly by and end in a clean bill of health from the doctor.  still, ugggh! I know I use the word hopefully alot, I try to be hopeful but things like this happen and cause me to lose hope.  Not this time.  I know that I will have a kid of my own soon and I will be able to experience all the enjoyments (and sacrifices) of being pregnant.  I also know that through this struggle I am a stronger, more passionate woman which will make me a better mother.  These next three months are all about working on me and my health, so I can share my body, heart and soul with a precious little baby that is worth every ounce of commitment, determination, and sacrifice i have given thus far and will continue to give.  I am not going down without a fight.  This isn't over yet, just delayed.

Monday, July 25, 2011

HHahahahahahahahha! Excited!

So now the waiting begins......  My doctor confirmed my findings that I did indeed ovulate on Friday which means I am now 3dpo!!!  Woohoo!  She told me to relax and next Monday I can start testing!!!!  Now relax is something I cannot really do, I always jump ahead of myself.  So this time, I am not allowing myself near a pee stick until Monday. Now, other fun stuff about Monday, I will actually be at my mother-in-law's house that morning.  So the question becomes test on Monday or wait til Tuesday!!!  hmmmm, test on Monday! lol!  I am very impatient!!!!

Thursday, July 21, 2011


This month has brought a bunch of new things, enough to the point where I couldn't tell you what anything is doing or whether I have had this feeling before or whatnot.  That being said, I am getting some minor pressure/cramping on my left side (which is the ovary that has a nice big follicle in it).  Hopefully this sucker drops and is perfect in every way, so in two weeks we get a nice big surprise. 
School is almost out for the term, which means i will once again have time to relax!! lol!  
Thats about all I can think of to say.  I am tired.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

ahhhhh DOCTORS!

So yesterday I had a call from my doctor's office about my ultrasound on Monday.  They now want me to come back in on Monday to see if I have indeed ovulated.  Okay, not mad that I get to go and see how my ovaries are doing again.  It is actually a pretty neat experience (besides the wand getting stuck up your no-no area).  It is neat to learn what is going on and everything, being as though pregnancy is nothing short of a miracle.  Hopefully, there will be signs of ovulation and hopefully they have me come back to check stuff again (he he, hopefully!!!) This will be my 3rd ultrasound in 2 weeks though. uggh!  Oh well.  It is for a good cause!
On a funnier note, hubby is really getting goofy about how badly he wants a baby!  He is my goofball and I love his enthusiasm now!  Before all this he wasn't as hardcore as I was, now after knowing what is wrong with me and everything, he is much more determined! Hehe!
I also talked to my mom and told her how I was feeling and such about the last time I talked to her.  She admitted that she has never had to go through my issues and that she has no idea what to say about it.  She just knows that I tend to stress sometimes and that I just need to step back and relax.  Which I was glad to hear.
Lately I have had turtles on the brain.  A few weeks ago, I drew a turtle on our chalk wall just for fun, but it was an urge that I had.  A few days ago, I started randomly saying "turtle turtle" (from master of disguise).  And yesterday I had to create a papier-mache creature in class, and my brain kept going back to a turtle.  I did make a turtle! I think it is a sign that I will eventually win this race.  Kinda like the tortoise and hare story, slow and steady wins the race.  I am taking this as a sign that even though I have taken this long to get preggo, my finish line is coming up and I will win my race.  Hoping that this race is won soon!

Monday, July 18, 2011

Happy Day!

So today I had to go get yet another ultrasound to see what my next step is going to be.  Luckily, I was given the okay to try this month for baby, which is fantastic!  However if nothing happens this month, I have to go on birth control for two or three months before trying again.  Surprisingly, I am actually okay with this.  I have decided that even though I might be mad if I dont get pregnant this month, I know that there is a time for everything.  I put my faith in God and thats all I can really do.  I know he will bless us with a kid when the time is right.  I am done questioning his actions and ready to allow him to lead me down the path he has set for me.  I realize now that last year was not the best time to bring a child into our lives and that we are in better places this year, financially and emotionally, and that it will happen.  I just have to have faith and patience, which patience is the hardest thing of all!

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Really, why does life always shit on me?

So I found out today why I am having so many issues getting pregnant.  This is where i can honestly say that it is my fault too.  I was diagnosed today with PCOS.  I am glad that I know what is wrong with me, however I am not fine with the fact that I may have to take 12 steps back and put trying for kids on the back burner for at least 3 months.  I don't really think that I am okay with that.  I have been trying for 2.5 years and stopping trying, even for a few months, is the hardest thing I could ever do.  I have spent the past 2.5 years wishing, hoping, praying, taking pills, peeing on sticks, taking my temperature and it has been for nothing really.  It just frustrates me that I may have to wait even longer for something that a lot of people stumble upon.
To make my situation even better (please read that again with sarcasm, lol), my mom is soooooo against me using any type of medical intervention.  She keeps telling me not to stress over this, but that's all i can do is stress.   I am normally a stressed person to begin with.  That is how I have always been.  I just cant believe that my own mother is just so against me taking action.  It makes me feel like she doesn't even care if we give her a grandchild, I mean she already has 3.  It also makes me feel like a complete failure so all I think about is how I must be a bad person cause I can't seem to get my way for once.
I know the saying is "what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger", however this is something that just eats me up inside, causing me to be a hollow shell.  I can't feel happy anymore when people tell me they are preggo.  It always makes me think, what did this person do to be so lucky. ugggh.
Hopefully my next appointment brings good news.  At least I can think that for a few days.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Crazy times!

So, this week has been very interesting.  On Thursday, my city was turned upside down by a very unusual event. A guy snapped (they think his wife told him she was leaving him) and drove to his wife's parents house, which is literally around the block from me, and shot all 4 people that were inside, including his 12-year-old daughter.  Then he proceed to drive about 2 miles away to the home of an ex-girlfriend and shot everyone in there, including a 10-year-old girl.  All this happened while I was at school and my hubby had the day off.  He actually heard the gunshots from the first group of shootings, but since we live in a quiet town he figured it was just a car backfiring.  There was a huge car chase all throughout the downtown area (where I was at) and on the local freeways.  Then panic struck.  I was bombarded with texts saying "don't go outside", "are you okay", and the worst was from my husband which said "I may not be able to come pick you up, the shooter is in my area."  I called him and found out that the shooter was at a house less than 2 blocks away, with three hostages inside. Luckily, the cops set up impassable barricades right after our complex, and then another barricade just up the hill from our complex, which they let people exit through.  So he was able to come pick me up, and we spent some time watching the events unfold at a local restaurant.  We were just going to stay there, but I needed to get home so I could attempt to sleep and be up at 4am for work.  When we got home, I realized that everything was much closer than I thought and the news helicopters would prevent me from getting any sleep.  So I sat outside and watched (even though the only thing I saw was the occasional cop car and government vehicle leaving the blocked off areas).  While slowly making my way back inside, I heard a small pop.  I looked at the police officers near me, and they didn't seem phased at all, so I continued slowly walking up my sidewalk.  That is when the light to the helicopter turned back on and I knew something was going on.  Apparently, that pop I heard was the shooter taking his own life.  All together he killed 8 people (including himself), injured 2 (during his car chase), and held 3 people hostage.  It was the craziest night ever.
Now to the fun part. Saturday was day 5 of my cycle, which means I started taking my clomid. Yay! However, I forgot that the drug makes me slightly moody, so today I am kinda crabby. Oh well, it is for a good cause!

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Clean Slate.

So today is what I would like to call a clean slate.  Today marks the first month where we can start seriously trying for baby #1.  I start my clomid on Saturday, which will be fabulous!!!!  So excited! Things seem to be coming together for us!  Hopefully July is an amazing month, and that it brings amazing results/events! hehe! I am way to excited over something that usually is dreaded, especially by those who are trying to conceive!

Friday, July 1, 2011

Love my crazy life!

So, things are finally starting to look up again! I am extremely happy with this next step we are taking.  School is going well.  My health is fine, which means we are a go for the first round of fertility drugs hopefully soon!  I just finished taking my provera, so stupid cycle should start again soon.  I hope it starts soon because I am antsy to start a family.
My husband is finally learning that since I am in school, I need his help around the house.  So this morning as I was bitching about a fallen bowl of food, he helped clean the living room and even put away most of his stuff!  I know it sounds bad that he put away his stuff, but sometimes he just leaves all his stuff laying around like a five year old!
Back to me being happy again, the hubby and I are once again in great moods and able to enjoy our time together, instead of not using our together time wisely!  We are more committed to staying positive, staying relaxed, and being goofy again!  We are trying to not sweat the small things and we know that there are things that happen that we have no control over.
All in all, July is going to be an amazing month, hopefully with amazing events taking place!

Sunday, June 26, 2011

New beginning.

So, its been a few days since I last updated this.  I have been busy with school, work, and weekend vacations! I went to see my doctor on Monday to find out what the next step towards pregnancy will be for me.  She was glad that I am now down 12 lbs since march, and frankly, I am excited about that too!  I ended up getting tested for diabetes/pre-diabetes, which luckily I have neither.  I did get a fun little pill that will get everything back on track and hopefully working again, which is very nice since I would really love to have a viable pregnancy soon!  I also will be starting back up with fertility drugs this coming month, which is fine with me and hubby since we know they work and my doctor will monitor me closer this time.  Now, we are just enjoying the last few days we have until new cycle begins and this stupid fluctuating period business stops! On another note, I started school again this week and am loving it.  I have always been a good student, but now I feel I am more focused than ever and am more determined to reach all my goals this year!

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

new look on life.

So as mad as I am about having to work soo freaking hard to get pregnant, I recently snapped out of my funk and am now ready to embark fully on this journey. Plus, I am now not mad at everyone else who keeps getting pregnant so easily.  I am taking this new-found serenity and taking time to enjoy life instead of being pissed off at it.  I am excited to meet all the babies that I have shunned in the past, and ready to be excited for those who are about to be parents.  I know that one day I will have my own kids, but right now it isn't my turn.  It will happen when it is our turn, and right now I am going to use all my extra energy, that was used to be mad and frustrated, to be creative and spontaneous and happy.
On my creativity, I painted a giant chalkboard in my spare bedroom/office, so I can use it for school and being more creative.  Today, I am also starting on making jewelry from used gift cards (since I work at Starbucks and have tons from just after Christmas).  I am starting a new adventure in life, I am starting to be happy with who I am and not be mad about what I am not.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

New at this, need to vent I guess.

I guess I just need somewhere to vent all my feelings and all the stress that I have right now.  My husband and I are on year 2 of trying for kids with nothing but crushed dreams.  Ugh.  Plus, we are just getting over some financial issues that started during the past 2 years.
Okay, I guess I can start with the first part of this issue.  My husband and I started trying for kids just before our 1 year wedding anniversary.  That was just over two years ago, and even after two months on clomid last summer all that we have to show for this is three known miscarriages.  It's really frustrating to know that we have been wanting and trying for a kid when others can get within ten feet of sperm and they are pregnant.  I am just fed up with being the outsider when hanging out with my friends who all have kids.  Currently we are working with yet another doctor to see if she can figure out what is wrong with me without resorting to drugs.
Okay part two of the issue started sometime during the past two years.  We started getting stupid with our money and had a few issues which got worse when I had my first known miscarriage last May.  Since then we have fixed our issues and everything is back in order.
Now I have decided to start getting things back on track in life.  We have our finances back in order and next is my health.  I bought a bike to start getting in shape and try to lose some weight.  I am also starting a new diet after Easter, which my good friend is on and has had great results in just a week.  I have been feeling very enlightened lately and am trying to fix everything that is going wrong in life right now.  I know that god has a plan for me, however, I am sick of waiting to find out what that plan is!