As I sit here looking back at the past 8 years, I notice how different I am now than back then. Sure I am still goofy, talkative, and caring but I have become more sensitive, less outgoing, and more cautious. Most of the changes have been for good. I don't go partying, I take better care of myself and I think of others more than myself. However, some changes aren't as good. I am more likely to get pissed off when babies or pregnancies are announced, I have a hard time being happy for others while trying to hide my disappointment in myself, and I don't like opening myself up to others because I always get hurt.
I have become a much better person overall, yet those small changes are always weighing on my mind. I don't like being a mean person. It's just not who I am. Yet, I cannot shake those feelings when put in those situations. I really am working hard to get rid of these feelings, but they just keep coming back when yet another person talks about certain things. Ugggh!
Now, in these past 8 years I have had quite a few life changing events. First date with my hubby on 10-17-03, got engaged a year later, moved 200 miles away in Feb 2007, got married May 2008, started trying for family in Jan 09, 3 miscarriages in 2010, issues that are finally resolved as of august, and then the 3 month hiatus from trying for family due to PCOS (stupid ovaries suck!). All these things add up and change a person's way of thinking. I would love to say that I wouldn't change anything, however I would like to change the whole part where I wasted 2 years trying for something when my body was actually purposely preventing it and I didnt know. grrrrrrrr.
Now, I am 29 days away from getting back on the bandwagon of trying again. So what has changed in the past 57 days? I am eating much healthier, I am not dependent upon sugar anymore (I actually can't even eat a normal sized candy bar anymore), I am more active, I am in better control of my life, I take my vitamins and I hardly ever go have a drink anymore and when I do it is literally one and I am done. Now, that being said, I know that there are those who don't take care of themselves, party all the time, yet end up getting what I truly desire without having any issues. I want to bitch slap those people. I can't understand how people go through life without one ounce of care about anything and get everything that I desire. Hmmm, must be nice to not have to work for everything you want.
I just know that when my day comes, I will be the better person. I will be more appreciative of my children than most others because I will have worked damn hard to get them. Yes, they may be spoiled but it again is going to be well deserved. I will not let others break my spirit anymore. I will be the bigger person. I will hold my head high and let things just roll off my shoulders. I shouldn't lose sleep worrying about the situations of others. They only have theirselves to blame, and they will have to learn from their exeperiences just like I have.
I AM DONE WORRYING. I WILL NOT GET UPSET WHEN THINGS HAPPEN TO OTHERS BECAUSE MY TIME WILL COME. I WILL RISE ABOVE AND BE BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE IN THE LONG RUN. I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR! (I had to put that in).
For those in my situation, I will pass on a special prayer that was given to me. This is the novena prayer to Saint Philomena:
We beseech Thee, O Lord, to grant us the pardon of our sins by the intercession of Saint , virgin and martyr, who was always pleasing in Thy sight by her eminent chastity and by the profession of every virtue. Amen.
Illustrious virgin and martyr, Saint Philomena, behold me prostrate before the throne whereupon it has pleased the Most Holy Trinity to place thee. Full of confidence in thy protection, I entreat thee to intercede for me with God, from the heights of Heaven deign to cast a glance upon thy humble client! Spouse of Christ, sustain me in suffering, fortify me in temptation, protect me in the dangers surrounding me, obtain for me the graces necessary to me, and in particular (Here specify your petition).
Above all, assist me at the hour of my death. Saint Philomena, powerful with God, pray for us. Amen.
O God, Most Holy Trinity, we thank Thee for the graces Thou didst bestow upon the Blessed Virgin Mary, and upon Thy handmaid Philomena, through whose intercession we implore Thy Mercy. Amen.